Friday, October 9, 2009
I recently (the night before last!!) broke up with my boyfriend of just over two years. Here we are when times were better:
I met him at work about 3 years ago, but I had a boyfriend. I saw him again about 6 months later, for a friend's going away party. He just happened to be at the bar we were at with some of his friends. I thought my friends set me up because they knew I liked him. I still had the boyfriend...
The date was April 13, 2007. That night, he came back to my house to hang out with me. I got on MySpace and had a message from my sister. It was broken, but basically I knew that my mother had taken a turn for the worse. I tried to call my sister and couldn't get her on the phone. She lives in Washington state, so I couldn't go find her. I didn't have my brother's phone number.
My mother had been in the hospital for about 4 months with Necrotizing Fasciitis, a flesh eating bacteria. She'd get better, so they'd put her in a nursing home type facility because she was going to need to learn how to walk and talk all over again. She was only 50.
She went back and forth twice, I think, before she finally passed away on April 14th. Justin was there the whole time and I thought that God sent him to me. I broke up with my boyfriend and Justin and I became inseparable, after I came back from Washington, of course.
This was the first time in all of my 30 (then) years that someone really got me. I had never felt like this before! We liked the same TV shows, had similar senses of humor, and we had fun together, even if we did nothing.
Over time, the strain of him not working started to drain on me. I still felt single and I pretty much was. Now, I look back and wonder if I was wrong... I just couldn't relinquish control in my own home and let him be "the man of the household" because he pretty much wasn't. I want and need a man to help me financially, and he wasn't doing it.
I'm very independent. I've been on my own since I was 16. I've been pretty much a single mom since I was 17. I break up with men quickly, for many reasons. My number one priority is my children, and will always be.
When Justin started staying at my house, it was great. I looked forward to coming home and seeing him. But the stress of paying everything and having to get in the middle because my kids just didn't want to listen to him (they stopped respecting him somewhere along the line), started to wear on our relationship. I hated to be in the middle - in the middle of my blood, people I brought into this world, and the man I loved. I asked him to be nicer to the children. I asked the children to respect him and do what they were told to do.
From my mother dying, I was already in a deep depression and my house started to suffer, and it still is. I look around most days and see all of the things that need to be done, and I feel overwhelmed. Some days I do things, then it just goes right back.
The depression and the things I mentioned above really started to make our relationship suffer, and I just felt that he wasn't doing enough to find a job. I make pretty good money, and I only needed about $500 extra a month. Any minimum wage job will handle that. I started becoming resentful. I started being mean. We fought alot. It's not good for the kids to see.
I asked him to move on November 7th, last year, back to his parents house, and with us arguing all of the time, I did not make time for him like I used to. I didn't want to be around someone that I argued with all of the time. Then my blog started taking off, and I'm spending tons of time on it. Factor in football, work, homework, and all of the other duties I have to handle alone, and he couldn't take it. The other day, the day after my trip to the dentist, I took off of work. Partially because of the pain I was in, and also because my daughter had a diarrhea episode that night also (while we were out!) and I kept her home sick. (She still is sick.) Justin wanted to see me - I told him I wasn't leaving due to her being sick. He got mad, someone hung up on someone. Then he called me back and said "Someone else is going to get your time." Basically telling me that he was going to cheat on me.
I cursed at him and hung up, then I began texting him. Things like "I guess you had someone waiting all along." I couldn't believe he had said that to me! I am pretty cruel sometimes too but I would never say anything like that! Wow...
Now, here I sit, semi-glad it's over, semi-not-glad it's over. I'm back to square one. I'm 32 years old and dating really isn't an option. I have no time to date. I go nowhere to meet any men. And my standards are pretty high so I don't want just anyone. I really just want to be married.
Maybe it's not in the cards for me...
I still remember the days when it was good. When we laughed and joked and didn't take offense to things that were said. I wish we could go back there, but in some relationships, there comes a point where there's too much hurt and pain and you just can't go back, can you? I think that's where we are. We've broken up before and even though I miss him I guess this is it. I've called him about 3 times and he won't return my calls or texts. I can't help thinking that this is for the best, because he doesn't offer my children or I anything. But, it still hurts.
Someone else has my time.
And here I sit, alone. I'm freaking HAWT and I'm alone...
I have tons to offer: I have a good job and I make good money; I've got an education; I'm smart, pretty, and funny. I drive my own car and pay my own bills. I'm loving and nurturing.
What's wrong with me????