Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Have you ever felt like you were in limbo?
That's where I am right now. I literally feel as if I am watching someone else's life right now, like I am stuck in a bubble, looking in on my life, my situations, but they don't seem quite real.
Right now I am going through some things that are making me think A LOT. I get sad. I fight tears.
A few slip out every now & then.
I'm going to be 32 soon. I'm a single mom and I have been for most of the past 15 years.
I have a job, but I don't have a career. Yes, I make good money, but is it what I want to do the rest of my life? Surely not.
I have plans, goals, and damn good ones too. I'm smart, resourceful, and driven. You don't have a story like mine and come out a weakling.
What's holding me back? I am not quite sure.
Washington State and the family that resides there are calling me. It's where I feel I belong.
The problem? I live in Maryland, over 2600 miles away.
I just put a lot of money into repairs for my car in the past few months and I can honestly say I'm almost ready to sell most of my stuff in my rented townhouse, pack up the kids & the car, and go.
But... what if something happens on the way out there? What if my car breaks down, or worse?
My mom, God bless her, was a wild spirit, and although I have inherited some of her qualities, I don't have the adventurous gene. I don't mind change but I will analyze a situation before I jump into it. I have learned that I have to analyze everything.
I have nothing here that I wouldn't have in WA. I have no support system here, there I would. And I'm a secretary, and I can do that anywhere. The best part is that I have a Security clearance. I can work on any of the 3 military bases near my family.
Another little known fact about me? I am trained to use a gas mask. If that doesn't scream resilience, I don't know what does.
So soon I will deal with my concerns and make that long (and surely beautiful!) journey to where my heart is telling me I belong.
Because, here, in MD, I feel as though I am wasting away. Just existing.
Not truly living.