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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Have you ever felt like you were in limbo?

That's where I am right now. I literally feel as if I am watching someone else's life right now, like I am stuck in a bubble, looking in on my life, my situations, but they don't seem quite real.

Right now I am going through some things that are making me think A LOT. I get sad. I fight tears.

A few slip out every now & then.

I'm going to be 32 soon. I'm a single mom and I have been for most of the past 15 years.

I have a job, but I don't have a career. Yes, I make good money, but is it what I want to do the rest of my life? Surely not.

I have plans, goals, and damn good ones too. I'm smart, resourceful, and driven. You don't have a story like mine and come out a weakling.

What's holding me back? I am not quite sure.

Washington State and the family that resides there are calling me. It's where I feel I belong.

The problem? I live in Maryland, over 2600 miles away.

I just put a lot of money into repairs for my car in the past few months and I can honestly say I'm almost ready to sell most of my stuff in my rented townhouse, pack up the kids & the car, and go.

But... what if something happens on the way out there? What if my car breaks down, or worse?

My mom, God bless her, was a wild spirit, and although I have inherited some of her qualities, I don't have the adventurous gene. I don't mind change but I will analyze a situation before I jump into it. I have learned that I have to analyze everything.

I have nothing here that I wouldn't have in WA. I have no support system here, there I would. And I'm a secretary, and I can do that anywhere. The best part is that I have a Security clearance. I can work on any of the 3 military bases near my family.

Another little known fact about me? I am trained to use a gas mask. If that doesn't scream resilience, I don't know what does.

So soon I will deal with my concerns and make that long (and surely beautiful!) journey to where my heart is telling me I belong.

Because, here, in MD, I feel as though I am wasting away. Just existing.

Not truly living.

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2 comments: to “ Limbo

  • Katie
    February 19, 2009 at 11:14 PM  

    I think you should give it a go and move back by your family. We recently moved back by our families in MI after living in CA and NM. Having a baby was the catalyst for us, after I had her I realized how short life was and how here I was living my life so far away from everyone I loved..and for what? So when my husband got a few job offers, we were really happy to have an opportunity to go to MI. Now with the job market in the tank and umemployment being so high here most of our friends think we were nuts. But how much is it worth for my baby to have one and a half years living and growing up surrounded by love of her extended family. I see my father, being a Grandpa and the love between them and it's so special. Now we see my parents several times a month, before only twice a year. I think that time has been priceless. We could've moved to CA where my husband would have made a lot more money, but since the cost of living is so high we would've had to rent an apartment and I probably would've had to go back to work. Now we have a mortage and I'm with her all day. Again priceless. But that's just my two that's a lot more than you wanted:) But for some reason your post struck me. Support systems really are priceless, and sometimes you have to take a chance and jump even though your fears are trying to hold you back.

  • Kathy
    February 22, 2009 at 4:39 PM  

    Angie, you have to go where your heart leads you. As far as support goes, nothing can beat family. I thank God for mine every day!

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